i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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