I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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