Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
