Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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