Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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