She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
