I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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