Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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