if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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