Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
