That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
