I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize