there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
