i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
