This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Randomize
