between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
