I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
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so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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