if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
