As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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