i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
