I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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