guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
