At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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