My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
