I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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