between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
