guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
