How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He is an equal opportunity slut.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
