I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
