Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
