I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?