I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.