He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap