I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
