watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.