party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
