Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
