Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
