I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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