I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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