why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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