I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
