he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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