I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
