R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
In other news, I just burned my penis
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
