dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
