my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
