i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
