the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
