I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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