I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
