I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
