we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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