Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize