I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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