You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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