some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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