do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
