I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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