Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
don't judge my taste in strippers
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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