Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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