When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
