Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
