he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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