I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
